my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
