I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
