having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Blood and glitter go together right?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
