I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
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