just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
