A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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