every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
