just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
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