My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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