I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
