I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
