Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
