Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
