I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
