Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
