some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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