I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
whose parrot is this?
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
