apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
