worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
