I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Randomize
