Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
