I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
