you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
