your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
