the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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