i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
