the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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