We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
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