So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
