youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
