I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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