I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
