i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
