just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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