dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
