The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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