I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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