I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
