My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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