I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
We got so high we made milksteak
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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