It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Randomize
