how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
