Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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