R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
