what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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