just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I am available for nakedness
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
