ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Randomize
