My friends, they love my intelligence
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
