Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Randomize
