her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
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