i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
