Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
